The Social Paradox: Autonomy, Connection, and Why We Need Both to Find Happiness

A Next Big Idea Club Must Read of February 2025

"Von Hippel presents a radically new way to understand why human happiness has diminished. What’s more, he offers superlative advice for how to get back on track.” —Sonja Lyubomirsky, New York Times bestselling author of The How of Happiness

From the author of The Social Leap comes this thought-provoking exploration into humans’ two core evolutionary needs, for connection and autonomy, how the modern world has thrown them out of whack, and how we can rebalance them to improve our lives.

Why do people who have so much—leading comfortable lives filled with unprecedented freedom, choice, and abundance—often feel so unhappy and unfulfilled? This phenomenon is a defining paradox of our time and one we endlessly seek to solve. In The Social Paradox, psychologist William von Hippel argues that we need to think about this problem in a new way. By changing our perspective, we might finally see the solution, bringing us greater happiness and more satisfying relationships.

The key is to understand the interplay between our two most basic psychological needs—for connection and autonomy. Evolution made us dependent on one another for survival, instilling in us a strong need to connect. It also made us seek autonomy, so our ancestors could distinguish themselves within their groups, improving their chances to procreate and gain status.

These two opposing needs are our most fundamental psychological drivers, and while our lives once ensured a happy balance between them, the opportunities of today’s world have thrown it out of whack. As von Hippel explains, our modern world no longer demands connection but it provides endless opportunity for autonomy; this lopsidedness lies at the root of many of our most intractable problems. Recognizing this imbalance and working to counter it can drastically change how we make decisions, spend our time, and find happiness.

The Social Paradox invites us to examine the fundamental building blocks of life and society—politics, religion, urban living, marriage—in a brand-new way. Once we understand the evolutionary forces driving us, we can begin to see how to counteract the emptiness and loneliness of contemporary life.