Yes, Dave Barry has turned 50. No, he is not going to whine. Con-Sarn it (to borrow an expression from Granpappy Amos of "The Real McCoys", whose peer Dave has become), he's not going to dwell on the negative aspects of turning 50, such as the weight gain that results from merely watching food commercials.

Instead, Dave is going to make all you young whippersnappers envious with a rundown of the advantages of turning 50. For instance, you know all those newspapers articles about Middle East turmoil you read because you think you should? Dave doesn't read 'em, because with his eyes he can't And you know all that energy you expend trying to look and sound hip? Dave doesn't, because after 50 it's hopeless, so he's through trying to be one of the Boyz 'N the Burbz.

And Dave writes not only about being 50 but also about 50 years of inventions (Oreos, Silly Putty), arts (Howdy Doody, TV commercials), politics (the cold war and more of the cold war), and other baby boomer concerns.

So call Dave and let him know how much you're looking forward to reading Dave Barry Turns 50. But not right now -- he's sleeping.